#1 07-10-14 13:45:03

Elsa_H

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Registered: 28-04-14

Posts: 66

The relationship between porn and relationships

Guys, I've thinkin' about stuff and some of that stuff is about porn and the role it does or does not play in relationships.

My boyfriend and I are super open about all sexy stuff, including porn. We know what the other person is into, we watch it together when we're hungover in bed and it's all peaches and cream. BUT I also know of some ladies who, for their own reasons, really detest the thought that their boyfriends might be watching porn.  And others who just turn a blind eye or don't really care but don't really want to know about it. So I'm kind of curious to know what kind of a part, if any, porn plays in other peoples relationships.

viva

pretty pretty princess

Registered: 14-05-10

Posts: 4,111

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Re: The relationship between porn and relationships

I am in the 'dont really care' camp - I'm mostly flattered because when my man goes to watch porn he usually watches me on IFM! so cute

Before he mostly liked this lesbian stuff directed by this one french dude. That's not really my thing. I'm actually finding out that porn just isn't my thing. I can get into it sometimes but mainly, I'm a reader and a few dirty clicks on Literotica gets me going way harder than any visuals.

However, my more innocent friend recently got into a nice little relationship and we talk about sex a lot as she is exploring and experiencing new things. We started talking about porn and she said she would feel weird if he watched IFM because it's so intimate, it's like having an orgasm with another girl, a real girl who's not her. And I tried making a case for porn - kind of saying, pretty much every guy watches porn, and it's ok, etc, and she didn't really believe me... and then I kind of started to feel sleazy, like I was polluting her innocent love with my dirty gonzo bukakke mind.

She's never seen porn.

I don't know. I'd like to show her how sexually explicit visual material can be so hot and sexy and beautiful for her aesthetic eye, not just mass-produced for men... but like... I don't know where to find any.

I think he's a gentle guy and probably feels a bit weird about the porn he almost definitely watches. She's a gentle girl and feels kinda weird about the whole thing in general.

My man just watches porn when he feels like it and doesn't really think too hard about it. I just watch him

lena_D

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Registered: 22-11-13

Posts: 33

Re: The relationship between porn and relationships

It's a very interesting thread, I'm really looking forward to read it when more answers will be posted.

Reading you Viva was already very interesting, what your friend says about 'it's like having an orgasm with another girl, a real girl who's not her' is kind of 'same but different' than my own point of view. And I had never thought about it like that!

I've found out by experience that a lot of guys watch porn. I've found it many years ago, just starting typing 'you' on chrome for 'youtube' and having youporn stuff in my historic. As I don't watch porn, I had an idea of who it could be ^^ I was really pissed off and sad about it. Because - just like your friend, Viva - I felt betrayed, and feeling betrayed is one of the worse thing I know, I just can't deal with it. So we started to talk about it, and I asked him what I was doing wrong between us. As porn is really something I don't need at all to start being excited (and I don't even really find it pleasurable), I could only think that there was a problem in our relationship. He took time to explain to me that it was just something he sometimes needed as 'an extra' and as I respected him, I learnt to deal with it. I just asked him not to put it under my nose and make sure my historic (and my screen ahaha!!) were clean after that.

With my new boyfriend and a few years of more experiences, I start to be better at dealing with few stuff I can find around his place or his computer (yeah I don't start crying anymore, you-hou.) but I still have that betrayal feeling, even if I really work hard on it, it's out of control. I keep it for me because I deeply know that if he watches that it doesn't mean he loves me less or anything. It's just that I don't understand that need. But I respect it.

For me, it's my kinda feminist part that shouts 'how can you watch those fakers and finding it pleasurable?' (and all my very very bad feelings about 'mainstream' porn). So unlike your friend Viva, I prefer to know that my man is pleased by 'real girls having pleasure' instead of girls being 'just (a) hole(s)' but I really understand what she means (and I'm pretty surprised not to feel the same in fact!)

Well few weeks ago I finally watched porn with my boyfriend, and the pleasure I found in it was just seeing him enjoying it. And it was alright because it was my IFM contributions ^^

So for me, it works exactly like all the rest in relationships, as long as both of us are happy with what we do and respect the point of view and the boundaries of the other, it works!

Laney

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Registered: 25-03-13

Posts: 1,227

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Re: The relationship between porn and relationships

I've always expected my boyfriends to watch porn and been really interested to know about their tastes. I've always thought of it as normal and not a bad thing, I guess because I used to watch so much porn myself. I don't watch porn thinking, "man these guys are so much hotter and better at sex than my boyfriend, why can't he be more like them" so I don't imagine my boyfriend thinking that way about me.

My current boyfriend was super shy about telling me what he likes in porn for a really long time... but recently he opened up and we went through his porn collection together. It was really fun and sexy and of course led to sex. Now we watch porn together sometimes, and sometimes go through porn boards on reddit and talk about what we like and don't like. I think it's really nice to be able to talk about such intimate things with someone you're close to

Last edited by Laney (08-10-14 06:30:58)

viva

pretty pretty princess

Registered: 14-05-10

Posts: 4,111

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Re: The relationship between porn and relationships

In the end that was kind of what I ended up saying to my friend - that porn is good because it makes us look sex in the face, so to speak, and breaks us away from the arbitrary lines between 'pure and good soul sex' and 'dirty raunchy porn sex'. It allows our partners to come clean and say that they think about being peed on, and allows us to accept that as normal and ok if it happens. It gives us a context to understand why and how a blowjob given on our knees turns us on, and to accept that when we feel that way it is every bit as pure and good as soft caresses and eye contact. That taboo, dirt, and shadow are  very much a natural part of sexuality, and that when we deny that, we create an unhealthy double standard for ourselves and our partners.

If both people in a couple are saying, our sex is good, but porn is gross, I worry a little bit. Being grossed out by porn is different than just not finding it very interesting. Being grossed out by porn is almost like saying, well, when I take all the romance and candles out, and when I turn on the lights and whip away the blankets, sex on it's own, undressed and blatently just sex, is bad. It's gross. It's scary and looking the very naked fact of it in the face is not comfortable.

I don't think sex needs love to have value. It is not good or bad. It is just a thing that can happen when two bodies squish together.  Sometimes it feels wrong and sometimes it feels right. Sometimes it feels good and sometimes it just doesn't. It's an act which can be combined with many different emotions just like fighting or hugging or dancing, and setting it up on a pedestal is setting ourselves - and our partners - up for failure.

So assuming we're talking about a fairly vanilla, decently woman-friendly scene of straight-up fucking, I think finding porn and well-lit genitalia difficult to look at reveals a basic skittishness around the subject of sex itself. I think that all skittishnesses around bodily functions should be examined and eventually dissolved, otherwise we will never really achieve proper compassion for ourselves and for others, and we'll be uptight jerks all the time, to ourselves and others, and we won't let ourselves enjoy life as much as we could.

viva la revolution. still not gonna watch much porn though. gross.

troyforyou

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Registered: 05-04-08

Posts: 919

Re: The relationship between porn and relationships

The problem is that all of us know what ethical porn is.  We know what porn can be.  I think the average person thinks of porn as some guy fucks the whatever out of a woman he just met.  If that is the only porn you know, it is not unreasonable to be turned off.

But I agree we are much to hung up by nakedness.  My favorite program is BBC's Embarrassing Bodies where they educate people on health matters.  (And never shy away from nudity.)  Their slogan is "There's no shame--we're all the same."

Monotreme

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Registered: 21-05-07

Posts: 763

Re: The relationship between porn and relationships

It's difficult to explain my relationship to porn. I don't watch much television, but for those who do, maybe there's an analogy that can explain it.

My current girlfriend/lover/housemate watches cooking competition shows ALL THE TIME. I don't get into it much, but she needs a place where she can turn her mind off, and it's just easy — standard setup, standard trope, canned outcome.

I'm the same way with my porn. I look forward to, and enjoy, IFM when I'm in a more thoughful, reflective, cerebral mood (if one can describe sexual energy in those terms). I don't look forward to mainstream porn, or cooking shows, but sometimes I just want to get from point A to point B with minimal fuss and I know that watching a certain kind of porn will get me there without having to engage any meaningful part of my brain. Sort of like junk food for the sexual part of my mind.

I'm a teacher, and I work with young adults all day, some of whom are exploring their sexuality and use older men like me as the mirror. It would be wrong, on many levels, for me to indulge in a sexual relationship with these young women (or young men, even though that's not my preference). Conventional porn is a fantasy world, a hyper-reality. I try not to take it too seriously, but it does allow me to indulge in fantasies that my rational brain knows won't work as well as advertised (e.g. DP, orgies).

I hope that makes some sense. As far as the original question, Elsa, you are obviously so gorgeous and smart and wicked cool that your boyfriend loves you for those qualities, none of which he finds in porn, I assure you. Just as my girlfriend watching food porn doesn't mean she doesn't prefer my real-live, face-to-face cooking, watching porn doesn't (necessarily) mean a man is dissatisfied.

Last edited by Monotreme (08-10-14 13:47:12)

Elsa_H

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Registered: 28-04-14

Posts: 66

Re: The relationship between porn and relationships

I am in the 'dont really care' camp - I'm mostly flattered because when my man goes to watch porn he usually watches me on IFM! so cute

That is actually the sweetest!

I definitely remember feeling hurt and upset in my high school years every time I found out a boyfriend watched porn. I contribute it mostly to the fact that I didn't watch porn during that period of my life and didn't understand how far removed it is from actual sex. And, ultimately, they are just people on a screen, far, far away - it's not like my past lovers were wanking in the corner of a room watching people bang. Now that I'm older and have ventured into the seedy world of mainstream porn myself, it's pretty much what Devochka said - I know now that I'm not being compared to anyone and I understand it can be really hot. Although I've always been really selective with what I watch, I'm finding now that I've started IFM my interest porn is diminishing quicker and quicker by the second, because I realise IT'S NOT THAT HARD TO MAKE NICE, TASTEFUL , ETHICAL PORNOGRAPHY GUYS. On a side note, I think I'm gonna give Literotica a whirl, Viva, because porn 'ain't cuttin' in no more and my fantasies have stagnated (much like one of your previous posts)

I have a lot of female friends who I know are quite into porn, but it's not something they've ever explored with their partners.  Viva, that point that you mentioned regarding how your friend would feel if her boyfriend was watching IFM is another thing I've been thinking about a lot as well. I think things definitely do get a lot more 'intimate' over here and, dare I say it, there is more contentedness between contributors and the members compared to your old fashioned tube sites. So I quite often wonder if that would make things better or worse for other ladies? And of course it would differ from person to person, but I think if there were sites like ours that made the dirty kind of porn my boyfriend likes to watch, minus the lack of respect and degradation, I would much rather him watch that. If that makes sense.

viva

pretty pretty princess

Registered: 14-05-10

Posts: 4,111

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Re: The relationship between porn and relationships

What a fun conversation guys. It's actually really nice to talk about sex and porn in the context of love and relationships here!! This is where my passion lies and as I've grown in my own relationships and sexuality, I've often felt a little like I fit in here less....  so yay!

Monotreme, I am a bit like your girl/friend/house/mate/buddy too, I like to switch off. Usually I read books and comics but I also watch shows sometimes, usually sweet/soapy sitcoms like New Girl or Glee. But I'm like you too and a combination of horny+wanting to switch off means I really want to watch porn.

And so I search for porn. I go on tube sites, I go on /r/chickflixxx/ (you girls should actually check this subreddit out), I enter various dirty search terms and I open some tabs and I get some videos loading. And I watch them. And I just... I don't know. I get turned on more by the ads on the side of pirate bay, or reading  craigslist casual encounters. Once I'm turned on I like watching the porn, kinda... I mean it's nice... I don't know. There's just not enough for my brain there. If they talk dirty, that really helps. Words, context, personality... those things really help.

The experience of watching porn just feels like settling. It feels like a shrug-laden compromise.

As far as the partner thing goes, watching porn isn't always innocent and it isn't always ok.... Sometimes the kind of porn a guy watches can seriously tune into his partner's insecurity and feed both of them unhealthy standards - for example, a curvy girl whose man always watches super skinny girls in porn, or a guy who exclusively searches for huge tits while his girlfriend is sensitive about her small breasts.

I can really understand I think how it would feel to those girls! Not every boyfriend is sensitive and caring... the 3 of us ladies on this thread seem to have really great guys in our lives, but yeah a lot of men can be thoughtless and mean! And a lot of women can be hurt and feel very sensitive without thinking deeply about why. I would say that there's a lot of relationships limping along out there without the benefits of thoughtful, intentional communication.

So it's normal that porn - which can be confusing and uncomfortable in the best of times - easily becomes a huge stumbling block between men and women.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand now just to zigzag a bit - why the hell can't porn be good goddamit!?!? I like watching stuff! I love sex scenes! I love characters and bodies and clothes and youtube videos and gifs and jokes and scripts and repetitive implied motions and damn it.

I'm finding now that I've started IFM my interest porn is diminishing quicker and quicker by the second, because I realise IT'S NOT THAT HARD TO MAKE NICE, TASTEFUL , ETHICAL PORNOGRAPHY GUYS.

I feel like it really is actually that hard. Like what we do is one thing - it's so real and 'amateur' and girl next door and authenticity and all that, which is a documentary style thing, but man, personally, I don't want real people. I don't want them. I only want them when I have sexual chemistry with them, otherwise, I want fantasy! I don't like reality shows much - real people are all around me.  Real people are too close to like... the real people... in my life.

That's why I can understand my friend who felt uncomfortable about her boyfriend watching IFM... cause wow, those people are so real, they are literally the people all around her. They are me, and Devochka. We are so real to her and by extension, these 'normal girls', for her boyfriend to spend like 10 minutes just breathing together and getting aroused and focused on this one chick, especially when she's in her own environment, well it's a different thing, the voyeurism. It's not the same as watching regular porn. It's a bit closer to falling in love.

Isn't it, guys? I feel a little bit in love with some of these girls.

OK I'm just gonna give my husband a name cause I can't deal with the husband/boyfriend/partner/man/lover thing anymore, so we'll call him Henri which is his GMH handle.

I'm glad that Henri watches my videos on IFM and loves watching me come. I am ok with him watching other people on IFM though it's a bit of a weird line when it's about him watching our mutual friends - there's some grey area consent issues there. But to be honest, for me, I am kind of glad that IFM is not the kind of porn he naturally searched out before meeting me. I would worry I think. About him falling in love with the emotionality, cool personalities,  and true being of these other girls.

Because I wasn't raised being told constantly that I was beautiful, I don't have too many hangups about my body - I mean, pretty much all women do, but I think it's worst for girls who are raised being told how beautiful they are.

Me, I was raised being told how smart I am. Being short and roundish and big boobed, physically I was happy with "cute" and sometimes "pretty".  And later, I reinforced my personality by trying to develop traits I valued - like "adventurous" and "kind" and "artistic" and "emotional" -  so those are the things that threaten me. So a tall n toned n tanned body on an otherwise undeveloped porn character doesn't threaten me at all, cause we're not running the same markets, but a quirky punky long-limbed girl wearing yellow panties and filmed masturbating in an attic - hmm. That's starting to hit close to home.

I want the same as you Elsa - well-made, good production values, dirty porn. With all the couples and cowboys and taboo cheerleader gangbangs I could ever want. I wish Feck could afford to branch out.

jack_justjack

Member

Registered: 19-10-12

Posts: 9

Re: The relationship between porn and relationships

Intercourse is usually difficult these days due to some medical issues so I watch much more often. More often than not I'm by myself but when she joins she usually rubs herself on top of me. She used to watch more often but now she watches about 1/2 the time. It's almost always solo action. My wife is straight so I'm not sure what her interest is. Occasionally I watch 2 women together but never with my wife. Porn is on about 1/2 the time we have sex together and about 80% of the time when I'm by myself. Porn is occasionally on during intercourse but rare. Usually it's just when we're masturbating together.

viva

pretty pretty princess

Registered: 14-05-10

Posts: 4,111

Website

Re: The relationship between porn and relationships

Hey Jack, welcome to the forums! It sounds like you have a really nice shared sexuality with your wife Do you ever ask her what she likes, when it comes to visuals?

Aaronhalt

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Registered: 18-03-11

Posts: 178

Re: The relationship between porn and relationships

For me, porn tends to be a way to deal with the days my wife has a twelve hour shift.

We used to use porn during sex - I'd go down on her while she watched. There was this great site, Gentleman Handling, that was exactly what she wanted out of porn. Alas.

jack_justjack

Member

Registered: 19-10-12

Posts: 9

Re: The relationship between porn and relationships

She is not all that much into visuals. We've been married for over 20 years so there isn't much discussion anymore. We just do it.